‘Reading this, I realised that there are times when the ability for self rescue can be compromised, and that enduring the restrictions which the Covid pandemic required of us all, can be such a time. That coming out of those restrictions and re-connecting with people, could also be such a time. I noticed, within myself, that some imaginary scenarios felt too threatening to be managed without outside assistance. The idea (before vaccinations became available and were administered) that, because of our age, we might contract the virus and become desperately ill, even die, became impactful because my family live abroad. If I was to be hospitalised, it would be impossible for them to reach me, and I would die alone – like so many others. For them, there would be no opportunity to return to be by my bedside, or that of their father’s, and that would be an extra burden of loss that I (normally) would do everything within my power to prevent. Only this is not within my power. So my fears became real, and rescue was unavailable. My mental health began to suffer, and the only power I had was to survive. As we come out of the latest lockdown, I find myself mistrusting everything. What does rescue look like now? My deepest desire has been to have some strong arms around me, obliterating the threat surrounding me.
However, I have survived. Long enough to have some protection from vaccination, and through the focus of my work, to have a sense of a future. My family are managing, supporting each other, and sharing a weekly chat with both their parents. The chats have given me strength and reassurance, my work has enabled me to be present – in the moment – and the days are getting longer. Have I saved myself? It would be gratifying to think so, but I cannot know whether I managed on my own, through experiencing my fears and allowing the pain, or whether I just found elements in the life of now, which have provided me with just enough support to survive’.